I can cry if I want to....

I am not sure what I want to say or who exactly I am saying things too. I am just a woman with a keyboard in front of me with the need to type something so I guess I will let my fingers do the talking.
I just finished one of many emotional breakdowns. The kind that brings you to your knees in prayer asking for forgiveness for all your wrong-doings and crying hysterically....y'know the cry I am talking about...the kind that drips snot from the nose that then gets entangled in your hair that is sticking to your face because of the salty tears that are streaming from your eyes that you are constantly wiping away using your fingers that in turn get sticky and gross because its also wiping the oozing aforementioned snot from your nose and you realize that not only do you not have a tissue and you are an emotional mess, but your face is now a mess too, and at this point you don't really care. Then you pull yourself together, use your shirt to soak up some of the mess, walk to the bathroom to fix yourself up and take a look in the mirror and start bawling once again because of the reflection staring back is, a mess that is, YOU. Yes, that is the kind of cry I am talking about. Yes, it is one of those days.
So what triggered this inharmonious uproar of emotion? Let me ask---does a woman really have to have a specific reason? I mean c'mon---we cry at the most ridiculous things! Examples; a t.v commercial of family members reconnecting over a phone network, a hallmark card, or when you tell your children how proud of them you are for getting along so nicely. Really, anything could set us off. However, I guess for me, something specific kind of happened.
Let me first say, this last year has been a very trying time for me. I am sure many of you can relate to struggles and most everyone has seen their fair share of problems, trials, and upsets. (Don't worry if you feel left out because you have yet to be privy to such obstacles--YOU WILL--eventually.) For me, its all still new, still learning how to deal with such obstacles. That being said, on Sunday in Relief Society we were given a lesson on being Christ-like. Christ-like love, behavior, qualities, etc. Many sisters in the ward shared their experiences in how they have shown or had others show Christ-like love to them. There were two stories that really stood out from the rest. The first one was about a woman who works in downtown Phoenix, and she often runs into beggars on the street asking for spare change. One day on her way to work she found parking at a meter on the street. She parked and realized she didn't have any change for the meter. She figured she would run inside real quick and find some, then come back out. A bum had been observing her and called out to her politely, "Hey Miss....y'know you're supposed to put change in that there meter." She replied that she didn't have any change at the moment, and he walked over and put what little change he had in his pocket and put it into her meter. (WOW! and I mean WOW! That story just about brought me to tears)
The second story was about a gal visiting her family in Utah. They were all getting ready to get into the car to head home from dinner (or something). Anyway, a poor man was approaching and asking for change. This gal was rummaging through her purse to find some when her father quickly hurried her and other family members into the car and told her to put her money away. Her father didn't even acknowledge that the poor man was there. Once everyone was in the car the poor man, in a desperate cry, pleaded out, "Please". This gal heard the pain in the poor man's voice and it bothered her deeply. She started to cry as her father drove off. She couldn't keep from crying and begged her father to turn around so she could give the man some money, but the man was no longer there. She says that memory still haunts her. Again, a very touching story.
This lesson got me to thinking if I have been able to show this love to others. It is so often we doubt ourselves and compare ourselves to others in the world. I read other friends blogs and their life is so glorified. They blog about all the good and positive things in their life, it makes you wonder...do they ever have any "bad"? How come their life is so great? (And its super-duper if their life is that grand, more power to them! :o) I guess its all relative, and how you look at things. Okay, I got off on a tangent, it happens. Back to what I was saying before... Do I have this quality? Have I shown this love for others? It made me question myself and who I am. Something very similar to the second story happened to me today. I was unable to provide anything to a begging man and I feel terrible. I felt like I had an opportunity to be Christ-like and I failed, like I just let it pass on by, like so many other opportunities that have come my way. It brought me to tears and brought out a lot of other suppressed emotions, which in turn, brought me to my knees.
I know there are other people out there who have been through the same thing, worse things, heartache, all kinds of problems, yet, I so often feel alone. I know I am not. I know I have family and friends to lean on, but I hate to burden others with my problems. When I do vent, I do feel better, but then it is quickly turned into guilt for unleashing a weight load into their lives. I don't want my problems to become their problems. So to those of you whom I have had the pleasure of conversing with, venting to, rely on to pick me up, who lend a listening ear, I thank you. Thank you for putting up with me. Thank you for your concern, your hugs and your love. Thank you for your non-judgement and you willingness to help. I am proud to say that I have wonderful family and friends (some I didn't realize I even had). I appreciate all your emotional support and all the Christ-like love that you have shown me. Thank you.